Sticks and Stones…
By Hannah Rule
This old English children’s rhyme has to be one of the worst sayings out there. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me.” Many of us cringe when we hear that rhyme, especially if words have cut deep. Words are way more powerful than this saying ever made me think. Words can turn your day around whether for the good or for the bad. The problem is, we do not fully understand the power of words, so we throw daggers dressed as sarcasm or jokes without even meaning to. Some use words to build up and encourage like forgiving, praising, and complimenting. Others use words to hurt. But what if those that use words to hurt have never heard encouraging words about themselves? What if hurtful words are all that they know? Bullying and hurting others with words become the only defense against the hurt they have seen or received.
It may be hard to understand if you have not encountered it, but bullying can be a trauma response. We know these responses better as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. As I finish my Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, I have been working with foster children in Macon, Georgia and I have seen children from all types of backgrounds. These backgrounds can include neglect from parents or family, verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, undiagnosed mental health disorder, misdiagnosed mental health disorder, substance use, legal trouble, probation, and self harm. These backgrounds can create trauma that children and teens may not know how to process and may not have a safe place to process resulting in lashing out as a way to protect themselves. They may resort to the “fighting” response as a way to protect themselves from being hurt again like in their past. They may have been abandoned over and over or had things like food or possessions taken from them resulting in a need to hoard or defend themselves. While this is not a blanket excuse for bullying and harming others, it is important in healing.
When bullying has occurred, there is often a punishment for the bully and support given to the victim. But what if the bully has also been a victim? Should they receive healing as well? Absolutely! This support may not look like what we think will solve bullying issues, but it could possibly help stop bullying from the root. Listening to and supporting children and teens that have experienced any trauma could help them process that trauma and hurt. Giving space to process hurt in a safe and healthy place with a safe person could decrease the occurrence of bullying.
Many of us have heard the quote “Hurt people, hurt people” which can absolutely be true. If a child or teen has only ever seen violence, neglect, and pain when processing emotions they may mimic this behavior as a way of protection and control. Hurting others could also come from a place of low self-esteem as a way to protect themselves before they are made fun of or hurt themselves. Trying to understand the healing needed from bullying incidents should incorporate a way to healing for the one doing the bullying as well. This could include giving the perpetrator of the bullying one-on-one time to listen and understand their reasoning for their actions. The point would not be to insist on convincing them that what they did was wrong, but instead letting them explain how they were feeling and informing them of the consequences of their actions no matter the reasoning.
This one step toward healing for everyone involved could be a great way to change how we approach bullying situations. Approaching bullying with compassion for everyone involved may change more than we could imagine. How can you show compassion today?
Hannah’s Bio: I’m Hannah Rule and I am a wife, counselor, daughter, friend working to become Love. God has woven an amazing path for me to pursue my second career in counseling starting in January and write about how much Jesus loves us. I’m married to Patrick and we live in Macon, GA and we adore our two nieces and nephew. I hope you join us in working to become Love!